Understanding Grief

Grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s a natural, painful, deeply human response to loss. If you feel foggy, overwhelmed, numb, angry, guilty — or okay and then suddenly not — you’re not broken; you’re grieving. This page offers clear explanations, lived examples, and practical support — with no judgement and plenty of kindness.

1. Types of Grief

Grief has many shapes. Naming them helps normalise what you’re feeling and reduces the shame of thinking you’re “doing it wrong.” Most people move between several types over time.

Anticipatory grief

Grieving before a death or major change (for example, a loved one’s terminal illness or the slow decline of dementia). It’s the grief of waiting and losing small pieces at a time. Feeling guilty for grieving “too soon” or feeling relieved when the final moment comes are both common and human.

Everyday example: A carer watching their partner lose memories feels sorrow at each forgotten detail — even while their partner is still there.

Complicated / prolonged grief

For some, the pain stays raw and all-consuming for a long time, especially after sudden or traumatic loss. Signs include persistent yearning, an inability to imagine a future, or avoiding reminders entirely. This isn’t failure — it’s grief frozen by trauma. Specialist bereavement support can help.

Everyday example: A parent who lost a child avoids the accident route for years because the wound still feels fresh.

Disenfranchised grief

Grief that isn’t publicly recognised — miscarriage, pet bereavement, the death of an ex-partner, or the end of a friendship. Lack of acknowledgement can deepen the pain because usual support rituals aren’t offered. Your grief is valid, even if others don’t see it.

Everyday example: After a miscarriage, hearing “at least you can try again” can feel invalidating and isolating.

Collective grief

Communities grieve together after disasters, wars, pandemics, or national events. Collective grief can stir up older losses and also create solidarity — a reminder that sorrow is shared and survivable.

Everyday example: During the pandemic, many grieved lost routines and milestones as well as people.

Secondary losses

Beyond the person, you may lose routines, roles, financial stability, and identity. These “secondary” losses explain why grief can return in waves, months or years later, as new parts of life are felt as missing.

Everyday example: After losing a spouse, someone also grieves Sunday rituals or the comfort of being introduced as “a couple.”

Childhood grief

Children grieve in bursts — cycling between tears and play. They revisit grief as they grow and understand more. Honest, age-appropriate language, reassurance of safety, and patience are key.

Everyday example: A 7-year-old cries at bedtime but seems fine in the morning. This switching isn’t “moving on”; it’s how kids process.

Ambiguous grief

The person remains alive but is profoundly changed (addiction, severe mental illness, brain injury, advanced dementia). You grieve the relationship you had while still seeing the person often.

Everyday example: “It feels like I’ve lost them twice.”

2. Why Grief Feels Overwhelming

Grief is whole-body. The brain, nervous system, and relationships all change at once.

Brain fog & memory slips: your attention system is overloaded; forgetting things is common.
Body reactions: fatigue, heavy chest, disrupted sleep, digestive changes — grief is physical.
Emotional waves: anger, guilt, sadness, numbness, even laughter — all can coexist.
Social shifts: feeling “out of step” or misunderstood can lead to withdrawing.

None of these mean you’re failing. They mean your brain is trying to adapt to a huge change.

3. Sarah’s Story

“When my mum died, I thought I had to ‘be strong’ and go back to normal fast. But normal had changed. Some days I forgot to eat; other days I laughed at tiny things and then felt guilty. I thought I was doing grief wrong until a support group told me: ‘Everyone’s rhythm is different.’ It didn’t fix the pain, but it let me breathe.”

Stories like Sarah’s remind us: grief doesn’t follow rules. Your way is valid.

4. Anxiety & Depression in Grief

Anxiety can bring restlessness, fear, and “what if” spirals. Depression can bring emptiness, hopelessness, and a loss of motivation. These aren’t weakness — they’re overload. If thoughts of self-harm appear or daily life becomes unmanageable, it’s time for extra support.

5. What Helps Day-to-Day

Tiny routines
One anchoring act: tea by the window, two-minute stretch, water a plant.

Breathing
In for 4, out for 6 (2 minutes). Long exhale tells your body “safe enough.”

Sleep & appetite
Gentle wind-down, dim light, regular meals/snacks. Aim for “good enough.”

Memories
A memory box or photo corner. Tangible reminders reduce the fear of “forgetting.”

Permission
Tears, anger, laughter, rest — all valid waves of love.

Connection
One honest check-in beats going silent. Ask for a 10-minute call or a walk.

6. Rituals & Continuing Bonds

Many people find comfort in an ongoing connection with the person who died. This isn’t “not moving on” — it’s healthy integration.

Write letters to them on hard days or anniversaries.
Cook their favourite meal or play their song on Sundays.
Create a small corner with a photo, plant, or candle.
Do something they cared about (donate, volunteer, plant a tree).

7. Anniversaries & Triggers Plan

Heavy dates and surprise reminders are normal. A light plan helps:

Lower the bar: keep the day simple; cancel non-essential tasks.
Company or quiet: choose what you need this year.
Small ritual: visit a place, cook a dish, light a candle, or write a note.
Exit plan: if an event gets hard, have a pre-agreed “leave early” signal.

8. Children & Teens

Clear words: avoid euphemisms; simple truths are kinder.
Questions on repeat: they’re processing — keep answering gently.
Predictability: routines and visual plans reduce anxiety.
Memory acts: draw, plant something, create a small ceremony.
School link: let teachers know; request flexibility where needed.

9. Practical Admin After a Loss (UK/Scotland)

This is a starter list — not everything will apply. Take it one small step at a time.

Register the death and obtain multiple copies of the certificate.
Check the will / executor and notify relevant services (GP, council, banks, utilities).
Contact pensions/benefits providers; ask about Bereavement Support Payment where relevant.
Use the UK “Tell Us Once” service if available to notify government departments.
Ask trusted friends to help with phone calls or form-filling.

10. For Friends & Family (What Helps)

Good words & actions

“I’m so sorry. I’m here.” (no fixing)
Practical help: food shop, lifts, admin calls
Use the person’s name if the griever is comfortable
Check in again after the first few weeks

Avoid

“At least…” statements
Setting timelines (“You should be over it”)
Unasked-for advice or comparison stories

11. Where to Find Support

Cruse Bereavement Support — national helpline & groups.
Child Bereavement UK — for children & families.
SANDS — stillbirth & neonatal loss.
Samaritans — free, 24/7 listening (UK: 116 123).
NHS Inform (Scotland) — localised services.

Important Note

The information on this page is for general understanding and support. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you feel unable to keep yourself safe or someone else is at risk, call 999 (UK) immediately. If you’re outside the UK, contact your local emergency number.

For non-emergency concerns, consider speaking with a qualified health professional or one of the support services listed on our site.